Here we all are, at the end of 2007. Is this a season that is going to live within our minds forever, or at least, in the following years to come? Or is it, just like all the rest of the years at how any of us that views life, as well as the worlds around us? I started thinking, which I really don’t like to do, But anyway’s, I started thinking if, I would ever be able to accomplish the things, I would like to accomplish before I die. Since the past, in my life, hasn’t been the best life to live, yet, unfortunately what choice do we have in what way we grow-up? I now know that I made a lot of bad choices in the things that I’ve done, but on the same hand, what really matters is, what I do with my life now, today and the days that follows.
Unlike some of you, this writer has had a life filled with crime and prison time. It took me one third of my life, to learn simple things such as, a honest man does not have to worry about the police looking at them. You do not go to prison for being honest unless, what you are doing is dishonest. If you can be a honest man, why worry about those who protect honest people. Yet I’m getting ahead of myself. Or more like behind me. The subject is for me, repairing damage done by that past so, I can better the service unto all of you. Bare with me though, I’ll do some jumping around because I’m a little crazy for thinking, I should believe, that some of those that my recklessness hurt, that they are sorry for, the recklessness on their part, in hurting me so that I became provoked into trying to hurt them in the first place.
Well anyway, what I found out is that you have to get to know yourself before, you know what’s what in this world we live in. Sometimes, people never get to know their self the way they should, because if they did, they would understand all others. When you begin to understand your self, understanding other get easier and easier. Even understanding things you have not experienced is possible, but, there is no better teacher than experience. Yet, once understanding become’s more of a way of life, experience is not needed to know, that if you stick your hand in the fire, you are going to get burnt. So, that maybe someone else, is as blue as I am for this Christmas 2007 season, I am going to tell whoever reads this, the story of the worlds oldest screw-up. I’m going to direct this to the young, but not too young to know what life could be, and what life may be.
So the following writings is from a man, who has done time six different times, and wasted a third of my life, and also hurt everyone in it that would matter to any of us, family, friends and acquaintances. It is my sincere hope, that the right one will read this, and feel inspired to either live a noble life, or change their already hopeless life, into a hopeful one. Be strong within, not for a feeling of superiority over others, but for the leader that any of us can be. For nothing makes a person more weak, than the disrespect they show all of life around them, both for the self and for all others, ego and pride only makes one arrogant. Look upon all life with respect, that you or I, would want for me, and even in the face of all others without an ounce of respect for anyone, show your respect as if, they were royalty. This is the only true control any person has. Is the control over ones own feelings, thoughts and actions that makes us leaders of ourselves and responsible enough to lead over any of Gods creation. First thyself, then maybe others.
Just released from prison, August 1, 2004. I am off parole. I came out of prison homeless. Went straight to a homeless shelter here in my city. Stayed there till I found a place, that was being foreclosed upon, and I moved in using swatter rights to live out of the elements. Believe me that it helps when winter is all around you. Though I didn’t have electricity, running water or heat without running an extension cord over to my brother apartment next door. Yes, I broke the law there. I lived there from September 2004 to December 2005. Hardships makes a person think about making a living any way possible. Yet that is, and would be, an excuse I would not, and I will not allow myself, the pleasure of relieving myself from, those hardships that stood between, being honest or dishonest. I made a promise to myself, many times before, but being weak minded and weak willed was easier than facing them, and overcoming the urge to be somebody, with some place, so that others could see me and that I’m someone, with some place to live like them.
Pride is something we are taught to cherish. Something we are told to hold scared. Something to take in ourselves. Yet who defines, at what point it is, when we are full of arrogance and egotistical. We are. We are the ones, without the experience, to say just how much is enough and, how far we go. We use our fathers or, mothers as examples of good citizenship for living life. We, consider ourselves good judge’s of other’s and, forego properly judging ourselves. We are merciful with our self and, stern with others. We, justify our own actions, while condemning other peoples actions. Is it any wonder why the world has not found a way to live in peace and harmony?
So this Christmas, and the year to follow, I am spending my time trying to seek forgiveness for my sins against others, yet, in my heart, I know that their are some who will never forgive, you or anyone else. Their time of understanding has not yet came. It takes a lot of understanding just to understand. It goes beyond saying, thinking and experiencing because, one must be God like to understand you and me. I do not know many of them people at all. This and not being in contact with a family that fell apart decades ago, well, it just makes me sad. It makes me blue to love them so much and them, they don’t have a minute of their time for me, except to judge me harshly, as if all these decades, though it has changed the face of the earth, everything has evolved amazingly, yet they still see me the same as they did, way back then. It is maybe my fault, that they will never be able to grow out of being so cynical. Telling them I’m sorry has not worked. So being blue about it, seems to be an old friend that I will never get use too.
What does Christmas mean too me? It means that I will see families laughing, beaming bright smiles at each other. I have got to watch this knowing that as of now, I don’t have much family. I’m not looking for pity. It’s my own fault. I just wish I could forgive myself for not being able to share this love that bubbles forth from inside me, yet, plunge deeper into depression, over not being able to, tell my daughter or grandchildren, how much I love them. I was a child, passed among a constant barrage of troubled families, all supposedly caring for me like their own, but finding that they didn’t know to handle their own problems and having to be passed over and over again, I’ve been living the life of the nomad. Loving everywhere I go and feeling blue that I haven’t had a place to call my own outside of myself. So after many years, my search turned inward. This is where home really is. This is where love lives. But it was not always love that lived here.
With knowledge comes great sorry. Being able to see all the realities, yet knowing, most of them do not really exist. Knowing that in ones own mind, many different states of being exist according to just how you think. What you think, is. It is the truth for you, whether it is the truth for not, another soul. Everyone, and of course this is my own opinion, everyone is to a certain degree, mental off balance, sick, warped in ways of thinking or how every you wish to view your own ways of thinking. Look how many people will say, I’m not crazy, or I’m not biased, I’m not wrong. I’m right and know I’m right. All of us. In reality, there are different ways of life and this is good that we do not all act the same, say the same thing at the same time. Do the robot since we all are to be like so and so. Usually, so and so is some religious iconic person. Here is another truth. None of us are totally free. To be served, you must serve. To be loved, you must love. There are so many trivial things in this world, yet there are those who make it a case of life and death. Rules are good for us all. Guidelines are for everyone. Without any of these, the world is in total chaos. Because of bogus, erroneous rules and guidelines, the world must fight with those who wish to force their way of life upon another. So base rules and guidelines are needed and anything more than that, is slavery to those who must abide by the rules others enforce upon those who are different. Every country has these bogus laws, just so that they can exert a control over another who is different than themselves.
If only we all could agree upon all of us agreeing upon dividing the land fairly so that we can group ourselves among others like us and stand to make sure that though our neighbor who may be different than we ourselves, our neighbor has the rights to theses differences just as we ourselves have a right to be different. There is no such thing as total freedom. All things takes a certain amount of care to be maintained in a balance of perfection. We all need to agree upon achieving this balance at the cost of sacrificing our wish, whether known or not, over the control of others. This needs to be place at the top of the rules and the guidelines list. My brothers and sisters, I’m tried, I must rest but, will continue this at a later time. Check back later for the rest of my story. Right now I’ll place a link to other writings this writer has written. You may comment on any or all of them. I’ll welcome constructive criticism, but truthfully, I’ll not waste too much of my time on out right negative accusations. Be at peace with one another.
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